Rediscovered this post. Made me laugh again. Community is great.
You will do great at your swim meet tomorrow. Rest up. Be beautiful. I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, James. You make me happy and I couldn’t ask for someone more perfect to love me. I want your mind body and soul, my dear, because you surely have mine. I am so happy that you found me and worked your way into my life. I think about you more than anything. I look forward to seeing you tonight in your dreams. I love you so much You’re the only person in the whole entire World who can make me feel real emotions that aren’t encompassed by anger. I’m not just looking for guidance on how to react when I’m with you, but actually feeling the emotions I fake most other times. I want to buy a house after college, get a bunny and a puppy, do all the mowing in the yard, and share my life with you completely. Maybe even adopt a kid with you if my opinion of small humans changes between now and then. I want to fall asleep with you in the morning. I want to wake up next to you later in the morning. I want to take care of you when you get hurt or feel sick and play with you when you feel alright. I want to be there through every breakdown to bring you back up. Because I love you so much, James. So so much.
The aggressor is clearly someone who has a lot of built up frustration, and often they fail to deal with their frustration; anger, hurt and feelings in general. As a result, their aggression often comes in outbursts. It is most often directed at those they care about most and they can be the most hurtful of people. They have an attitude that ‘everything that goes wrong in the world happens to them.’ They look at themselves as victims who cant get a break. It often pains them to see others succeed. Due to their high level of frustration, they receive release by aggressive outbursts.This type of personality never finds inner peace until they learn to speak up and deal with their emotions as they arise.
I feel that I am an annoyance to my old friends from home. I’m falling back into my antisocial state of mind. I don’t want to hang out with most people, but I’m putting on a happy face and trying to set things up because that’s how people keep friends.
I’m not even sure if they’re worth it though. Amy is definitely, but everyone else requires too much work that I don’t really feel up for putting in. Especially now I’ve grown more personally and understand myself, what sets me off, what calms me down, and what I want in friends, I’ve really wondered if I really have to put so much into every friendship I have. Some people will act reliably the opposite if what I’m looking fir no matter what I do, so why should I bother trying to search for something in them that doesn’t exist on the shepherd like I’d prefer.
I just don’t see the point anymore.
I just got back from the worst school semester I’ve ever had in my entire school career, I have maybe 2 real friends at school, my friends at home don’t really talk to me anymore, I just started telling people that I have always been a man in my head and now want to be referred to as who I an, when I try to see my friends from home they act like they always have and make up excuses or say “mommy says I can’t” even though were all adults.
I have pretty bad anger problems that I’ve kept under control for five years by cutting instead if hurting other people, but I’ve found a guy Jamie who loves me and supports me and he’s gotten me to stop self-harming. The problem is that now that I’m home, I have to deal with all my friends from home again, and I’m being put in the same roles and situations as before school and I can’t handle that because I’ve grown up and realized how much people took advantage of me in high school. Jaime isn’t here anymore and he has his own problems at home that I feel are worse than mine and I dint want to put my problems on top of those, but I’ve been feeling so fucking angry recently.
I almost cut again (4 months free and counting) because I got too angry with one of my best friends from home who’s being difficult. I’ve been trying to set up a time to see him but every time he says he’s too “busy” and doesn’t want to go out then later the same day he’ll complain to me that he did nothing all day or I’ll ask what he did and he’ll say “nothing”. It’s too much on top of the not getting a job this summer that I really need, and I’m scared of where my mind goes when I’m in the house alone thinking about it though nothings happened yet and I don’t plan on letting it happen.
No matter how many times you say you love me, I’m terrified that you’ll leave me.
I get so fed up with people so often and I get upset when people are difficult to work with. That’s why I’ve just about had it with a few of my friends here at home and a lot of my friends at school. With you, I don’t feel like I’m putting more effort in than I get results out. Only two other people are in that group. One I’ve known since we were eight, the other I’ve shared all my mind with. It’s a special group to be in. They’re the only ones I really feel it’s worth my time talking to and spending time with a lot of the time. You’ve made it into that group after half a year of knowing me.
You are the only person I feel is on my side. You are the only one supportive if me trying to become more like me. Everyone else either refuses to pay attention to my identity, or accepts it and moves on. You’re the only one who actually SUPPORTS me. Everyone expects I’ll either give up the attention ploy, or I’ll figure everything out myself without their help if they “acknowledge” it once. But you, you actually help me bind, suggest how I could change my appearance, view me as a man and ignore the female body though you’ve seen all of it, and tell me that I’m beautiful even if my body is wrong. You’re the only one who HELPS and makes things ok in my life.
You tell me you want to spend the rest of your life with me and I’m terrified you will change your mind even though you tell me you won’t. I love you so much. I want you here forever.
I want to take care of you. And cook for you. And live with you. And cry to you. And fall asleep next to you. And wake up to your face buried in the pillow. And just be with you because it will make me the happiest person in the world. I love you so fucking much.
I don’t really understand most people’s emotions and morals most of the time. I dong react the same as most to lots of things. Most people respond with either a “don’t be stupid” or an “obviously” when I express that I may be a psychopath. You take it calmly and can tell how much all the self-diagnosed psychotics make me anxious. You deal with it calmly and so I don’t freak myself out. I wasn’t lying when I said you keep me sane.
Same goes for all my anger problems. Lots of people think it’s for attention. Others think it’s something that I do because I’m immature or take things too personally. You’re the only one who seems to understand me when I say that I KNOW it’s irrational, but I can’t stop it. I cannot control my temper. It’s a fact. I’ve come close to beating the shit out of girls who piss me off and don’t back down. I’ve developed calming methods but sometimes those aren’t good enough and most times they can’t prevent me from exploding. You can see that and know how to pull me out of the situation and you will talk to me about it and listen to me rant about what’s upsetting me. You calm me down when I get angry but you never tell me my anger is wrong even when I know it is.
I’ve had so many bad relationships at this point. I know this won’t be one of them.
I love you so much, Jamie.